She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
