Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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