Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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