wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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