i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
