I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
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