I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
