I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
