OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
