My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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