I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
