I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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