Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
