i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
