rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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