What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
