Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
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