Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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