someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
