I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
