dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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