They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
