I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
