but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
