One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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