i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
