Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
