News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
