a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
