I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
