Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
They have beer where we have blood.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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