it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
