I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
