so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
