I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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