Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
