he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
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