Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
