I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
