I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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