Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
