dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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