You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
