I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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