Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
