Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
