sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
