if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
