apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
