another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
